Ruin is the road to transformation

Last night I finally saw a movie that I’ve known I was meant to see the first time I saw a preview.

“Eat Pray Love”

I’m still surprised that I haven’t read it, being the avid reader that I am, but in a way I’m glad I went into the movie without any true idea of what was coming. I only knew that the character, Liz, was newly divorced and planning a year of travel through Italy, India and Bali to find herself.

Let’s see – I’m soon to be divorced and, I confess, absolutely in a daze about where my life is. This concept of finding balance and happiness couldn’t have come at a better time!

If you haven’t yet seen the movie, perhaps you should stop reading now. I don’t want to hold back on my thoughts and I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Just bookmark this blog post and come back later.

As for the rest of you…

I don’t know if it’s just me and my precarious situation, but this film really spoke to me. While Liz’s reasons for divorce were different from mine (she didn’t want to be married while it broke my heart to file), what came after was still the same. Feelings of despair and sadness mingled with what feels like a void instead of a future. Everything I had planned on or hoped for is out the window. There’s a giant question mark where my hopes and dreams used to be. Sure, none of us knows for sure what’s going to happen, but when you’re with someone for more than a third of your life, you develop a sense of where this is going. Without my partner in life I feel like I’ve fallen off the path without a map. This is nothing less than scary.

I envy Liz’s place in life that she could up and travel for a year to find balance. As a mom and a sole provider for my family, I don’t have such a luxury. If I want to find balance, I’m going to have to do it between 6-10pm on weekdays (somewhere between dinner, clean up, laundry, bedtime routine and possibly some fun or cuddle time with my kids), or in my spare time on the weekends.

Coincidentally, as I am typing this, Nine Inch Nails is on my iPod with “Every day is exactly the same.”

I loved so many things about the experiences in the movie – the food and friendship in Italy, and the Italian concept of finding joy in doing nothing. (I felt disappointed for her when she first moved on to India!) In India I appreciated her frustration at first in the Ashram, and how it was realistic for her to need time to find the quiet place within her that allowed her to finally…let go.

The most difficult part of the movie for me was her conversation with Richard, her friend at the Ashram, about what he had done to his own life. The very day before seeing the movie I had a poignant conversation with someone about me letting go of any feelings of responsibility I keep having for my husband’s well being. He has made the choices he has made, and just like we would tell our children, there are consequences for those actions. He’s going to have to take care of himself, just like I would expect me or any other adult to do, with whatever events that come his way. Interestingly, I was sorry for Richard and what he had been through, but I had no sympathy for him. My sympathy was for the family he had hurt, and subsequently lost.

In the end the movie left me with hope – hope that I will have love in my life again. While I’m trying to make the best out of the life I’m currently leading, I do have hope for another love that will give me the comfort and joy that I once had in sharing my life with someone. I even think I’d be better at it this time around thanks to being a bit older and wiser.

In the mean time, I’m going to keep searching for the balance I need, and keep healing. Grieving through a divorce is similar to grieving a death, and I don’t expect that process to be easy or fast. What I can do is look for joy in my life and perhaps the quietness that I long for. I realized this last weekend that I am truly craving peace, and it’s up to me to find it!